"I am mad.
I'm always losing things and hiding things and I can never find them, I don't know where I've put them.
" ~ Paula Alquist Anton, Gaslight (1944) This quote is from the movie starring Ingrid Bergman as Paula and Charles Boyer as her cunning husband, Gregory.
Gregory does his best to convince Paula that she is going mad; among other things, he moves her belongings, changes pictures on the walls, and dims the house's gaslights without her knowledge (hence the name of the film).
When Paula brings up the oddities, he tells her that she is imagining things: The lights didn't dim, the belongings turn up somewhere else.
Over time, Paula begins to believe that she is going mad, and Gregory almost succeeds in his attempt to institutionalize her so that he can freely search for the jewels Paula inherited from her aunt (who he murdered).
Apologies for the spoiler if you haven't seen the film.
Gregory's tactic, his denial of reality to manipulate and control his wife, has come to be known as "gaslighting," and, sadly, it is a common dynamic in relationships of all kinds.
The husband who tells his wife she's imagining things to cover up an affair, the boss who denies in public the support she pledged in private, and the doctor who changes his story from one visit to the next, telling the patient that he "never said that," are all examples of gaslighting in action.
I have had up close and personal experiences with gaslighting.
My first marriage, to a cocaine addict who had serial affairs, was full of so much gaslighting it should have exploded.
More recently, a housemate and (I thought) friend tried to gaslight me when things went sour, I asked him to leave, and he wanted to get public (and legal) opinion on his side.
Not too long ago, I had the very experience in my last example above: A surgeon explained the reason why I had to go back into surgery to correct my Lap Band procedure (a mistake he made during the operation), only to do an about face and deny saying what he originally told me.
The impact gaslighting makes on me has dwindled as I've gotten older and more secure in myself.
My first husband was the worst experience by far.
I was in my twenties and struggling to find my balance as an adult.
I was insecure, felt that I had to have a man in my life to be complete, and I was doggedly loyal to the marriage-three ingredients for successful gaslighting.
Dan was an excellent liar; my misplaced trust in him caused me to question myself at every turn and to apologize to him for my craziness.
Once I saw how I had allowed myself to be conned, it took me quite a while to get back to some degree of mental and emotional equilibrium.
I knew that the doctor was scamming me, and I considered taking him to court.
But I knew that it would be a matter of "he said, she said," and my chances of success were slim.
So I let the matter be.
My housemate was a different story.
His attempts at gaslighting were clumsy and glaringly obvious to me, but only because I'm no longer insecure and unsure of myself.
He had successfully used the tactic in the past, so he assumed he could do the same in his attempt to either stay on in the house or extort a large sum of money from me.
In this case I did go to court, and because I had solid records to offer the court, I was able to fend off the ridiculous claims he had made.
In spite of my ability to see and reject more recent gaslighting attempts, I've still paid a price.
I had to undergo a second surgery that should not have been needed, and the surgeon never had to admit his own error.
The legal proceedings that ousted my former housemate from my home had a very serious impact on my finances.
I do admit that financial impact is far less troublesome than the emotional and mental impact I experienced in my first marriage, but frankly I prefer to be completely impact free.
Which means that I need to understand the behavior patterns that put me at the mercy of a gaslighter, and then I need to find ways to recognize and avoid the controllers and manipulators who come my way.
If you suspect that you are being gaslighted in any of your relationships, I strongly suggest that you take action.
See a professional who can help you identify what's going on and design tactics to protect you, keep track of conversations (in writing if possible), or include third parties where possible so that you have other ears besides yours in the conversation.
Be proactive, stop the madness, and you will be able to get on with living a happy and secure life.
I'm always losing things and hiding things and I can never find them, I don't know where I've put them.
" ~ Paula Alquist Anton, Gaslight (1944) This quote is from the movie starring Ingrid Bergman as Paula and Charles Boyer as her cunning husband, Gregory.
Gregory does his best to convince Paula that she is going mad; among other things, he moves her belongings, changes pictures on the walls, and dims the house's gaslights without her knowledge (hence the name of the film).
When Paula brings up the oddities, he tells her that she is imagining things: The lights didn't dim, the belongings turn up somewhere else.
Over time, Paula begins to believe that she is going mad, and Gregory almost succeeds in his attempt to institutionalize her so that he can freely search for the jewels Paula inherited from her aunt (who he murdered).
Apologies for the spoiler if you haven't seen the film.
Gregory's tactic, his denial of reality to manipulate and control his wife, has come to be known as "gaslighting," and, sadly, it is a common dynamic in relationships of all kinds.
The husband who tells his wife she's imagining things to cover up an affair, the boss who denies in public the support she pledged in private, and the doctor who changes his story from one visit to the next, telling the patient that he "never said that," are all examples of gaslighting in action.
I have had up close and personal experiences with gaslighting.
My first marriage, to a cocaine addict who had serial affairs, was full of so much gaslighting it should have exploded.
More recently, a housemate and (I thought) friend tried to gaslight me when things went sour, I asked him to leave, and he wanted to get public (and legal) opinion on his side.
Not too long ago, I had the very experience in my last example above: A surgeon explained the reason why I had to go back into surgery to correct my Lap Band procedure (a mistake he made during the operation), only to do an about face and deny saying what he originally told me.
The impact gaslighting makes on me has dwindled as I've gotten older and more secure in myself.
My first husband was the worst experience by far.
I was in my twenties and struggling to find my balance as an adult.
I was insecure, felt that I had to have a man in my life to be complete, and I was doggedly loyal to the marriage-three ingredients for successful gaslighting.
Dan was an excellent liar; my misplaced trust in him caused me to question myself at every turn and to apologize to him for my craziness.
Once I saw how I had allowed myself to be conned, it took me quite a while to get back to some degree of mental and emotional equilibrium.
I knew that the doctor was scamming me, and I considered taking him to court.
But I knew that it would be a matter of "he said, she said," and my chances of success were slim.
So I let the matter be.
My housemate was a different story.
His attempts at gaslighting were clumsy and glaringly obvious to me, but only because I'm no longer insecure and unsure of myself.
He had successfully used the tactic in the past, so he assumed he could do the same in his attempt to either stay on in the house or extort a large sum of money from me.
In this case I did go to court, and because I had solid records to offer the court, I was able to fend off the ridiculous claims he had made.
In spite of my ability to see and reject more recent gaslighting attempts, I've still paid a price.
I had to undergo a second surgery that should not have been needed, and the surgeon never had to admit his own error.
The legal proceedings that ousted my former housemate from my home had a very serious impact on my finances.
I do admit that financial impact is far less troublesome than the emotional and mental impact I experienced in my first marriage, but frankly I prefer to be completely impact free.
Which means that I need to understand the behavior patterns that put me at the mercy of a gaslighter, and then I need to find ways to recognize and avoid the controllers and manipulators who come my way.
If you suspect that you are being gaslighted in any of your relationships, I strongly suggest that you take action.
See a professional who can help you identify what's going on and design tactics to protect you, keep track of conversations (in writing if possible), or include third parties where possible so that you have other ears besides yours in the conversation.
Be proactive, stop the madness, and you will be able to get on with living a happy and secure life.
Source...