I am a psychotherapist and Relationship Coach by training and I have a lot of experience working with couples, helping them improve their interactions with each other.
Over the course of working with hundreds of couples, I would hear, "I bet you never get angry" or "You probably never fight with your husband.
" It always amazed me to hear this and I would respond truthfully that we did argue and we did have conflict.
After all, we are two different people with two different brains.
We do not always think alike.
And just because I have the skills does not mean that I apply them perfectly every time.
I do not "do therapy" on my husband, nor do I coach him.
I do, however, bring my knowledge and skill to bear when we are in conflict.
I have found that it helps me stop and reflect about my own behavior when I am sure I am "right" about something.
It helps me to examine my motives for saying things to "win" the argument.
Sometimes my knowledge humbles me when I realize that I am acting in a way that is so totally opposite of a self-aware person.
In essence, I use my skills not to fix or change my husband, but to improve myself.
One of the first things I tell my new clients is that I am not able to take sides or to play the part of a judge.
My job is to help the couple work on improving their relationship with each other.
One question I ask them early on is "Whose behavior can you change?" Of course, the correct answer is, "My own.
" I help them take that "common" knowledge and learn to apply it in their every day interactions with each other.
The good thing about having the skills of a psychotherapist is that I can continue to work on my own self-improvement.
After a session in which my clients have learned a new relationship skill, I predict that they will have a conflict and be tempted to return to their previous way of relating.
I assure them that they can work through whatever conflict they have and that they are in the process of growth, which is never a straight and easy path.
Over the course of working with hundreds of couples, I would hear, "I bet you never get angry" or "You probably never fight with your husband.
" It always amazed me to hear this and I would respond truthfully that we did argue and we did have conflict.
After all, we are two different people with two different brains.
We do not always think alike.
And just because I have the skills does not mean that I apply them perfectly every time.
I do not "do therapy" on my husband, nor do I coach him.
I do, however, bring my knowledge and skill to bear when we are in conflict.
I have found that it helps me stop and reflect about my own behavior when I am sure I am "right" about something.
It helps me to examine my motives for saying things to "win" the argument.
Sometimes my knowledge humbles me when I realize that I am acting in a way that is so totally opposite of a self-aware person.
In essence, I use my skills not to fix or change my husband, but to improve myself.
One of the first things I tell my new clients is that I am not able to take sides or to play the part of a judge.
My job is to help the couple work on improving their relationship with each other.
One question I ask them early on is "Whose behavior can you change?" Of course, the correct answer is, "My own.
" I help them take that "common" knowledge and learn to apply it in their every day interactions with each other.
The good thing about having the skills of a psychotherapist is that I can continue to work on my own self-improvement.
After a session in which my clients have learned a new relationship skill, I predict that they will have a conflict and be tempted to return to their previous way of relating.
I assure them that they can work through whatever conflict they have and that they are in the process of growth, which is never a straight and easy path.
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