Communicating 101: The Basics At its core connecting with a teenager isn't much different than connecting with an adult with a few exceptions.
Adolescents want what anyone else would want, someone to listen, really listen.
So what can you do to communicate better with your teenager? First, you need to know that listening is primarily a non-verbal task the experts say about 65% of what you "say" is conveyed with your non-verbals (Birdwhistell, 1970 as cited by Sommers-Flanagan & Sommers-Flanagan, 2003).
Second, when your non-verbal communication doesn't match your words people will usually go with what your non-verbals said! So how are you at "communicating" with your teenager? Eye Contact Let's take a look at your non-verbals.
First; eye contact.
Teenagers are notorious for their use of eye contact in communicating and generally speaking its not rocket science.
Teenagers, like most folks in the Western world, will avoid eye contact when they are uncomfortable.
As parents this can be really uncomfortable because we are used to our kids looking at us when we talk simply because when they were a kid we demanded it and they gave it to us at times out of sheer terror.
However, during adolescence you may have to spend some time earning the eye contact.
Once obtained you can communicate just how important they are to you by maintaining good eye contact.
It is one of the simplest ways you can tell them you love them, that they truly do matter to you, and that you genuinely care about what is about to come out of their mouth! Body Language Next, let's consider your body language.
For many families today communication is done on the fly; in the car, on the way to an event, and even now through text massaging (a topic for another day).
However, no matter the context, body language counts.
In speaking with your teenager you will want to let them know that you care by leaning forward, maintaining a relaxed comfortable position, sitting still, removing as many obstacles as you can, and when possible move towards them.
Nothing says "I don't really care" like person who is constantly moving, not making good eye contact, and doesn't take the time to stop doing whatever activity they are engaged in at the time and focus on what the other person is saying.
Of course everyone is guilty of this from time to time and Lord knows your adolescent will do it at least 3 times before breakfast, however taking the time stop and physically listen can may a world of difference.
Voice Vocal qualities also play a significant role in how you communicate with your teen.
I often hear teenagers say "its not what you said but how you said it.
" The experts say that voice volume, pitch, rate, and fluency all make a difference in communication (Sommers-Flanagan & Sommers-Flanagan, 2003).
Parents who wish to connect with their teens will need to be very aware of "how" they communicate.
A harsh tone, a short answer, or escalating volume can lead to mis-communication and damaged relationships.
Your teenager is very aware of your vocal qualities as a parent because they have been with you now for a very long time.
They can tell when you are upset and know that many times when you say "I understand" that you really don't based on "how" you said it.
Using a soft tone when speaking with your teen may encourage them to become more relaxed and vulnerable where as speaking fast and louder can help to communicate credibility (Cialdini, 1991, as cited by Sommers-Flanagan & Sommer-Flanagan, 2003).
Your voice qualities matter and can play a big part in your teen feeling like you are listening and can be trusted.
Reflective Statements Finally, it is vitally important as a parent of an teenager that you learn how to reflect what your adolescent is saying to you.
Nothing does more to develop a sense of trust and communicate that you heard what they said than a good ol' fashioned reflective statement.
Restating or attempting to summarize what your adolescent just said can be as easy as saying "Son, what I heard you say was...
" or "sounds like you are really feeling...
" and leave it at that.
Effectively listening does not include stories from when you were a child, advice or long drawn out monologues about why they shouldn't feel that way.
You wouldn't want someone doing that to you, would you? There will be time for advice and instruction, but only after you listen.
Listening is how you earn the right to advise and instruct.
This may be one of the single greatest hurdles for parents with children moving into adolescents.
When your child was little, you barked out orders and they followed, you were allowed (as I so often do) to pontificate about my personal interest and ideas.
Listening often wasn't required nor necessary, however it is vital to your relationship with your teen and the use of a reflective statement will go along way in developing trust and helping you connect with your teenager.
References: Sommers-Flanagan, J.
, Sommers-Flanagan, R.
(2003).
Clinical Interviewing (3rd ed.
).
New Jersey: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Adolescents want what anyone else would want, someone to listen, really listen.
So what can you do to communicate better with your teenager? First, you need to know that listening is primarily a non-verbal task the experts say about 65% of what you "say" is conveyed with your non-verbals (Birdwhistell, 1970 as cited by Sommers-Flanagan & Sommers-Flanagan, 2003).
Second, when your non-verbal communication doesn't match your words people will usually go with what your non-verbals said! So how are you at "communicating" with your teenager? Eye Contact Let's take a look at your non-verbals.
First; eye contact.
Teenagers are notorious for their use of eye contact in communicating and generally speaking its not rocket science.
Teenagers, like most folks in the Western world, will avoid eye contact when they are uncomfortable.
As parents this can be really uncomfortable because we are used to our kids looking at us when we talk simply because when they were a kid we demanded it and they gave it to us at times out of sheer terror.
However, during adolescence you may have to spend some time earning the eye contact.
Once obtained you can communicate just how important they are to you by maintaining good eye contact.
It is one of the simplest ways you can tell them you love them, that they truly do matter to you, and that you genuinely care about what is about to come out of their mouth! Body Language Next, let's consider your body language.
For many families today communication is done on the fly; in the car, on the way to an event, and even now through text massaging (a topic for another day).
However, no matter the context, body language counts.
In speaking with your teenager you will want to let them know that you care by leaning forward, maintaining a relaxed comfortable position, sitting still, removing as many obstacles as you can, and when possible move towards them.
Nothing says "I don't really care" like person who is constantly moving, not making good eye contact, and doesn't take the time to stop doing whatever activity they are engaged in at the time and focus on what the other person is saying.
Of course everyone is guilty of this from time to time and Lord knows your adolescent will do it at least 3 times before breakfast, however taking the time stop and physically listen can may a world of difference.
Voice Vocal qualities also play a significant role in how you communicate with your teen.
I often hear teenagers say "its not what you said but how you said it.
" The experts say that voice volume, pitch, rate, and fluency all make a difference in communication (Sommers-Flanagan & Sommers-Flanagan, 2003).
Parents who wish to connect with their teens will need to be very aware of "how" they communicate.
A harsh tone, a short answer, or escalating volume can lead to mis-communication and damaged relationships.
Your teenager is very aware of your vocal qualities as a parent because they have been with you now for a very long time.
They can tell when you are upset and know that many times when you say "I understand" that you really don't based on "how" you said it.
Using a soft tone when speaking with your teen may encourage them to become more relaxed and vulnerable where as speaking fast and louder can help to communicate credibility (Cialdini, 1991, as cited by Sommers-Flanagan & Sommer-Flanagan, 2003).
Your voice qualities matter and can play a big part in your teen feeling like you are listening and can be trusted.
Reflective Statements Finally, it is vitally important as a parent of an teenager that you learn how to reflect what your adolescent is saying to you.
Nothing does more to develop a sense of trust and communicate that you heard what they said than a good ol' fashioned reflective statement.
Restating or attempting to summarize what your adolescent just said can be as easy as saying "Son, what I heard you say was...
" or "sounds like you are really feeling...
" and leave it at that.
Effectively listening does not include stories from when you were a child, advice or long drawn out monologues about why they shouldn't feel that way.
You wouldn't want someone doing that to you, would you? There will be time for advice and instruction, but only after you listen.
Listening is how you earn the right to advise and instruct.
This may be one of the single greatest hurdles for parents with children moving into adolescents.
When your child was little, you barked out orders and they followed, you were allowed (as I so often do) to pontificate about my personal interest and ideas.
Listening often wasn't required nor necessary, however it is vital to your relationship with your teen and the use of a reflective statement will go along way in developing trust and helping you connect with your teenager.
References: Sommers-Flanagan, J.
, Sommers-Flanagan, R.
(2003).
Clinical Interviewing (3rd ed.
).
New Jersey: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
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