A parent asked me this question recently: "Whenever my daughter asks my permission regarding something and I say "No," she immediately accuses me of either not hearing what she asked, or not hearing all of it.
This usually is the beginning of an argument I would prefer to avoid.
Any ideas on handling situations like this?" This is a common problem, although it comes packaged in different shapes and sizes.
It's always been funny to me that, if I were to say "Yes" to such a request, the youngster wouldn't care if I really heard them or not.
This is only a problem when the answer is "No," isn't it? Here's a strategy that goes quickly and solves the listening problem.
Unfortunately, the youngster still won't like one of the two possible answers.
If you can, drop whatever you are doing for a moment and give them your complete attention.
Preface your answer with eye contact and verification of the request.
"Joanie, let me see if I understand what you're asking.
A group of your friends is going to the coast Friday after school on an overnight trip.
They have invited you to go with them.
They all plan to camp out and sleep on the beach.
As I understand it, no parents are going on this trip.
It's important to you and you really want to go.
Is that correct? Did I miss anything?" Note: No answer was given at this point; it was all verification of what Joanie was asking.
If Joanie says the facts are correct, she herself has eliminated "not listening" as a comeback.
If she shares the facts are NOT correct, then Joanie can clarify.
"Joanie, my answer now is "No.
" The whole think makes me uncomfortable as a parent.
In fairness to you, however, I'm willing to give it some more thought and get back with you on it later, if you'd like.
Just know there's a strong chance the answer won't change.
" Kids, of course, will try to pull you into the "Why?" or "Why not?" argument.
They build their adversarial muscles on questions like "Why?" and "Why not?" Since their aim is to change the answer, not to gain insight into the rigors of parenthood, the "Why?" generally doesn't really matter much, anyway, does it? It might be helpful to redirect the discussion or, even better, make a tasteful and hasty (preplanned) exit.
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This usually is the beginning of an argument I would prefer to avoid.
Any ideas on handling situations like this?" This is a common problem, although it comes packaged in different shapes and sizes.
It's always been funny to me that, if I were to say "Yes" to such a request, the youngster wouldn't care if I really heard them or not.
This is only a problem when the answer is "No," isn't it? Here's a strategy that goes quickly and solves the listening problem.
Unfortunately, the youngster still won't like one of the two possible answers.
If you can, drop whatever you are doing for a moment and give them your complete attention.
Preface your answer with eye contact and verification of the request.
"Joanie, let me see if I understand what you're asking.
A group of your friends is going to the coast Friday after school on an overnight trip.
They have invited you to go with them.
They all plan to camp out and sleep on the beach.
As I understand it, no parents are going on this trip.
It's important to you and you really want to go.
Is that correct? Did I miss anything?" Note: No answer was given at this point; it was all verification of what Joanie was asking.
If Joanie says the facts are correct, she herself has eliminated "not listening" as a comeback.
If she shares the facts are NOT correct, then Joanie can clarify.
"Joanie, my answer now is "No.
" The whole think makes me uncomfortable as a parent.
In fairness to you, however, I'm willing to give it some more thought and get back with you on it later, if you'd like.
Just know there's a strong chance the answer won't change.
" Kids, of course, will try to pull you into the "Why?" or "Why not?" argument.
They build their adversarial muscles on questions like "Why?" and "Why not?" Since their aim is to change the answer, not to gain insight into the rigors of parenthood, the "Why?" generally doesn't really matter much, anyway, does it? It might be helpful to redirect the discussion or, even better, make a tasteful and hasty (preplanned) exit.
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