Read Part 1 of This Bush Joke Collection
"Did you know former President Garfield could write Latin with one hand and Greek with the other at the same time? That was Garfield. When President Bush heard about it, he said, 'We had a talking cat for president?'" --Jay Leno
"Lincoln versus Bush. Lincoln had an IQ of 120. Bush's IQ is under four score and seven." --Jay Leno
"President Bush has embarked on an eight-day tour of the continent.
He hopes this one goes better than the other ones he's made recently. Obviously he's not doing that well in North America [on screen: '36% Approval'], his South American trip had a few bumps [on screen: 'Angry mobs of torch-carrying bumps'], Europe seems to think the president doesn't care what they think, but hey, who cares what they think? They could at least thank him for what he's done for their burning effigy industry." --Stephen Colbert
"President Bush is letting an Arab company run ports. That's like letting Robert Blake take your wife to dinner. President Bush said that the port deal is not a security threat. That's what he said, this is not a security threat. Remember, this is the same guy who said 'Mission Accomplished.'" --David Letterman
"President Bush's approval rating is not good. A new Gallup poll puts it at just 36% which is a new low for his presidency. He is just slightly more popular than herpes now." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The rumor is that Cheney may have been drinking and he wanted to wait until he sobered up.
So he may have been drinking and then he shot a guy. And you know what's really scary about all of this -- what if it turns out all this time Bush was the smart one?"--Jay Leno, on Cheney's shooting accident
"They just seem to be wrapped in bubbles, surrounded by sycophants. Bush was in Tampa today in front of one of those invited audiences he speaks to. The first question, this is not a joke, said the nation was blessed to have Bush as president. That was a question. The second one referred to Jeb as 'your great brother.' You know, at least when Clinton got blown it was in private." --Bill Maher
"The comic book makers of 'Batman' have announced that Batman will go after Osama bin Laden. So you see Bush does have a plan." --David Letterman
"I'm sure you know by know Muslim groups are outraged and are rioting over cartoons that are appearing in European newspapers that they say are offensive. Now they have attacked something very important to President Bush. The comics." --Jay Leno
"President Bush unveiled his new $2.2 trillion budget. Yeah, the president settled on $2 trillion after being told that $2 bazillion was not a real number." --Conan O'Brien
"Just 24 hours after President Bush promised to reduce America's dependence on oil on Tuesday, his Energy Secretary and national economic advisor said he didn't really mean it. They're blaming it on his new speechwriter, 'A Million Little Pieces' author James Frey." --Jay Leno
"The president said we must continue to find new sources of oil. The only place he doesn't want any drilling, 'Brokeback Mountain.'" --Jay Leno
"President Bush said that Bill Clinton has become so close to his father, he is like a brother. Which is great because it gives the first President Bush the smart son he never had." --Jay Leno "Yesterday at a press conference President Bush said he had not seen 'Brokeback Mountain.' However, he did express an interest in drilling for oil there" --David Letterman
"NASA launched its first-ever mission to Pluto, did you see this? The rocket took off to Pluto. President Bush is very excited about this. I didn't even know Pluto had oil." --Jay Leno
"The government is scheduled to launch a mission to Pluto. Apparently this is President Bush's last chance to find those weapons of mass destruction." --Jay Leno
"President Bush met with all the former secretaries of State and Defense for advice on Iraq. This is quite a change. This is the first time Bush has listened to anybody. Well, if you don't count the wire taps." --Jay Leno
"President Bush was clearing brush at his ranch when he was scratched by a tree. That's a switch, a tree harming a Republican, when does that ever happen? I guess Bush has cut down so many trees they're starting to fight back now" --Jay Leno
"According to a new poll, President Bush's approval rating, on the rise. Well, a lot of those polls are phone polls. People are worried Bush is listening: What? I think he's doing a hell of a job! Yeah." --Jay Leno
"President Bush says he is 100% sure he was right to wiretap. 100% sure that he was right to wiretap. And you know Bush, when he says he's 100% sure, he's always right." --David Letterman
"If President Bush is wiretapping my phone and listening to my calls, I think he actually should pay for half of the phone-sex bill." --David Letterman
"Did you know former President Garfield could write Latin with one hand and Greek with the other at the same time? That was Garfield. When President Bush heard about it, he said, 'We had a talking cat for president?'" --Jay Leno
"Lincoln versus Bush. Lincoln had an IQ of 120. Bush's IQ is under four score and seven." --Jay Leno
"President Bush has embarked on an eight-day tour of the continent.
He hopes this one goes better than the other ones he's made recently. Obviously he's not doing that well in North America [on screen: '36% Approval'], his South American trip had a few bumps [on screen: 'Angry mobs of torch-carrying bumps'], Europe seems to think the president doesn't care what they think, but hey, who cares what they think? They could at least thank him for what he's done for their burning effigy industry." --Stephen Colbert
"President Bush is letting an Arab company run ports. That's like letting Robert Blake take your wife to dinner. President Bush said that the port deal is not a security threat. That's what he said, this is not a security threat. Remember, this is the same guy who said 'Mission Accomplished.'" --David Letterman
"President Bush's approval rating is not good. A new Gallup poll puts it at just 36% which is a new low for his presidency. He is just slightly more popular than herpes now." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The rumor is that Cheney may have been drinking and he wanted to wait until he sobered up.
So he may have been drinking and then he shot a guy. And you know what's really scary about all of this -- what if it turns out all this time Bush was the smart one?"--Jay Leno, on Cheney's shooting accident
"They just seem to be wrapped in bubbles, surrounded by sycophants. Bush was in Tampa today in front of one of those invited audiences he speaks to. The first question, this is not a joke, said the nation was blessed to have Bush as president. That was a question. The second one referred to Jeb as 'your great brother.' You know, at least when Clinton got blown it was in private." --Bill Maher
"The comic book makers of 'Batman' have announced that Batman will go after Osama bin Laden. So you see Bush does have a plan." --David Letterman
"I'm sure you know by know Muslim groups are outraged and are rioting over cartoons that are appearing in European newspapers that they say are offensive. Now they have attacked something very important to President Bush. The comics." --Jay Leno
"President Bush unveiled his new $2.2 trillion budget. Yeah, the president settled on $2 trillion after being told that $2 bazillion was not a real number." --Conan O'Brien
"Just 24 hours after President Bush promised to reduce America's dependence on oil on Tuesday, his Energy Secretary and national economic advisor said he didn't really mean it. They're blaming it on his new speechwriter, 'A Million Little Pieces' author James Frey." --Jay Leno
"The president said we must continue to find new sources of oil. The only place he doesn't want any drilling, 'Brokeback Mountain.'" --Jay Leno
"President Bush said that Bill Clinton has become so close to his father, he is like a brother. Which is great because it gives the first President Bush the smart son he never had." --Jay Leno "Yesterday at a press conference President Bush said he had not seen 'Brokeback Mountain.' However, he did express an interest in drilling for oil there" --David Letterman
"NASA launched its first-ever mission to Pluto, did you see this? The rocket took off to Pluto. President Bush is very excited about this. I didn't even know Pluto had oil." --Jay Leno
"The government is scheduled to launch a mission to Pluto. Apparently this is President Bush's last chance to find those weapons of mass destruction." --Jay Leno
"President Bush met with all the former secretaries of State and Defense for advice on Iraq. This is quite a change. This is the first time Bush has listened to anybody. Well, if you don't count the wire taps." --Jay Leno
"President Bush was clearing brush at his ranch when he was scratched by a tree. That's a switch, a tree harming a Republican, when does that ever happen? I guess Bush has cut down so many trees they're starting to fight back now" --Jay Leno
"According to a new poll, President Bush's approval rating, on the rise. Well, a lot of those polls are phone polls. People are worried Bush is listening: What? I think he's doing a hell of a job! Yeah." --Jay Leno
"President Bush says he is 100% sure he was right to wiretap. 100% sure that he was right to wiretap. And you know Bush, when he says he's 100% sure, he's always right." --David Letterman
"If President Bush is wiretapping my phone and listening to my calls, I think he actually should pay for half of the phone-sex bill." --David Letterman
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