Parenting through a divorce is already hard enough, but throw into the mix a new significant other and you're playing with a whole new hand! So often what happens is that, just when you're on a reasonably steady roll communicating and cooperating with your ex, he or she gets re-married or begins a new, committed relationship.
Your initial emotional reaction can range from it being a devastating "blow," to being something you're totally fine with.
But in addition to any lingering feelings about your ex, you're now dealing with a new, major player who parachutes directly into the middle of your ongoing family story.
There's no getting around it: many people don't take well to "interlopers.
" If you're fortunate, it may be fine from the start.
But more often, there's testing: you may get snarky comments, thinly-veiled criticism, territoriality, non-cooperation, even blatant sabotage right out of the gate.
So, one of the first things to do is commit to keeping your grip on yourself.
Even if you get "bad vibes" right away, be slow to find fault.
Assume it will all ultimately work out.
Take the high road, be classy.
One obvious, practical matter is that the visitation and custody agreement - the one that took so long to finally get right - may have to be re-visited.
Don't get crazy about it.
It's what happens when things change.
It's also common for kids to translate their many intense, jumbled feelings into trying to make you defensive or jealous.
A classic scenario is when the kids tell you how nice, or fun, or permissive the new spouse is when they're over there.
It can really hurt to hear that, especially if your own confidence is shaky.
But it can also go the other way: your child wants to reassure you by letting you in on the new spouse's every flaw, or shares tons of complaints about how things go over there.
That's when to be careful and take things with a grain of salt.
It would be a major mistake to get right on the phone to "set straight" the new person about arrangements, or about watching what might be getting said to your kids.
Resist the totally understandable tendency to get taken over by defensiveness or jealousy, or, on the other hand, to be too quick to become aggressive.
For instance, don't tell someone off and slam down the phone.
Not only is that immature, it's bad for the kids to see it.
Don't be the one to create problems; always start out being gracious.
That's not weak, it's strong.
Life is not a pissing contest.
Plus, keep in mind that on anything important, you mostly want to be communicating directly with your ex.
Your children love you no matter what, even if they do try to "play" you against the other household.
Remember, as painful as it may be, it's actually in your best interest - as well as your children's - for your ex to stabilize, make a good home environment for your children, and perhaps, finally, be heading toward happiness - even if it's with someone other than you.
The high road is the only road that takes you anywhere that really matters.