Every day families seek to add to their families through adoption.  They start the process with the goal of providing a safe, stable and loving home to a child.  When this goal is recognized and their adoption is finalized much has been gained.  The family has the child they desired and the child has the loving family they deserved.  However, along with this evident gain there are also the rarely recognized losses.

 

Parents and children alike often do not take time to recognize and process these losses that occur after the adoption is finalized.  It has occurred to me that this probably starts out unintentionally but soon grows into a purposeful avoidance.  Over the seven years I have worked in child welfare I have heard many reasons of why this avoidance occurs.  What I have gathered is that more often than not the avoidance originates from good intentions; such as parents and children not wanting to discuss the losses for fear they will tarnish the joy and happiness they have as a family or parents wanting to shield their children from unnecessary hurt or damaging information.  Although the intentions are good the losses still exist. Understanding the losses can help prepare adoptive parents to become proactive in managing the feelings and potential behaviors associated with losses.

Losses associated with adoption:

Loss of birth parents/Biological family connections

Loss of hopes and dreams of returning home if adopted from foster care

Loss of Name/Identity

Losses that occur over the life span/Maturational Losses

Finding ways to effectively handle loss is not something most of us have thought about as the losses we most often experience are not planned.  However, in the case of adoption the losses above are planned and adoptive parents must become loss experts to guide their child through loss.  In fact, just as you schedule the date for your adoption finalization you are planning the losses listed above.  This may seem like a strange thought but none the less it is true.  The day your dreams of becoming a parent come true starts the catalyst of losses that will occur over your adoptive child’s life.  However, unlike all the other unplanned losses that occur in every child’s life you have the ability to plan on how you manage these losses. 

Managing the Losses:

Provide your child with a birth story that includes information about their biological parents. 

                Every child has a desire to understand where they come from and how they were born.  Although, it is unlikely you will have information about their actual birth you can create a birth story that is special and recognizes both your relationship as the adoptive parents and the importance of the child’s birth parents.

Answer questions regarding birth parents and biological family honestly and at every age.

                Your child will have questions about their adoption, birth parents and other biological family.  Be prepared to answer these questions as this is the most common way children begin to process loss.  As your child ages and their level of understanding changes be prepared to answer the questions again. 

 Consider openness in the adoption.

                Openness in adoption prevents additional loss and allows the child to remain connected to their birth family.  Openness can take various forms from sharing pictures and letters to phone calls and contact.

   Allow the stages of grief to occur and seek therapeutic resources if needed.

                Although it is difficult to see your child go through the stages of loss allowing them to process their loss will benefit them in the long run.  They will learn not only to negotiate loss but will become more attached to you as you support them through the process.  Understanding that there are unhealthy ways of grieving a loss is also important.  If you believe that your child is struggling with the loss or stuck in a stage of grief, seek counseling or other therapeutic resources for additional support.

 Consider ways to maintain a child’s identity.

                Consider maintaining part of the child’s birth name, either first or middle name.  Refrain from negative comments about their biological parents or birth family. Explore ways to incorporate their culture.

 Be supportive and keep perspective when maturational losses occur. 

                Maturational losses will occur as this will be the time when adoptive children will be confronted with the initial loss of their birth family again.  Major milestones such as graduation, marriage and birth of their first child may trigger a maturational loss.  Keep perspective and be supportive as this is in no way a reflection of their bond to you.

  Establish a tradition that recognizes their adoption.

                Adoption is very special and should be recognized and celebrated.  Find a special way to celebrate this each year. 

 

These suggestions may seem difficult, but your love and commitment to your child will be your ultimate guide.