Remarriage - what thoughts come to mind when you hear that word? It could be exciting things such as: "being loved again, a new family, another chance, married" It can also bring some trepidation: "what if it doesn't work, step parenting, hard work, potential for another divorce.
" Whichever side you tend to lean toward more, it's important to keep things balanced.
It is hard work, but it is another chance to achieve a happy and fulfilling marriage and family.
One of the hardest parts about remarriage is combining your kids and your new partner into a family together.
It's not that hard between you and your partner.
You already love each other.
One of the most common complaints kids voice during this combining state is a fear that you are choosing your partner over them.
This is a dangerous mindset and one that needs to be dealt with as quickly as possible.
First of all you need to realize why they may be feeling that way.
Since the divorce, it's just been you and your kids.
All of you have had to figure out how to do this new single parent life.
Roles have adjusted and time together has changed.
Your children may just be getting comfortable with the way this new life is going, when suddenly you decide you're ready to change it all over again with a remarriage! Understanding how frightening all of these changes are to your kids will go a long way to help you not get as frustrated.
Their complaints aren't necessarily just an attack of you or your new partner.
Instead, they may be your childrens' way of expressing fear over what's going to happen and frustration over having to adjust to yet more changes.
Now let's take a look at how to fix this problem.
Listen! When your kids make the complaints, it's not your job to try to fix anything.
The remarriage is happening so what can you fix? Instead, listen to the specifics of what their complaints are for the underlying meaning.
Then use a helpful therapy tactic: reflection.
Just like a mirror reflects your image when you look in it.
You will reflect back the main point of what your kids are complaining about.
Here's an example: Child: "I don't like her! She's always over here and she's bossy!" You: "You don't like the fact that she's here a lot and you don't like it when she asks you to do things because she's not your parent.
" Notice I didn't try to fix anything at this point.
I didn't try to sway the child's view of the new partner.
Instead, just like a mirror, I reflected back what the child's feelings are about this new partner.
The beauty of doing this Don't worry about getting this wrong.
If you reflect back the wrong thing, your kids will correct you.
No harm - no foul.
The point will still be made.
You are trying to let them know you're interested in understanding their perspective.
And, when they correct you, they'll tell you clearly what that perspective is.
It's beginning a dialogue in this way that will give you the critical information to work with.
Once you know what your childrens' REAL complaints are, then you can work on seeing what can be changed.
In the above scenario if I reflected that back and my child said, "Yes", then we could start talking about why the other person being there upsets them and about how the intention is not for that person to replace their other parent and what the new partner's role will be after the wedding.
That's all helpful stuff you can use in helping them to draw closer to this person who will be their step parent after the remarriage.