This week I was working with a woman who said, as abused women almost invariably say: "How could he say such hurtful things to me?" Actually, it is a very bad question, for a number of reasons, which include:

• An abusive man can say those things, because being hurtful is part of his job description: abusive men say abusive things.
  Period.
  
• Who better than you for him to say them to? If he says them to his boss, or his co-workers, he is more likely to have comeback.
  If he says them to people on the street, they will, most probably, ignore him, hit him, or reply in kind.
  Do you get the picture?
• He says these things because hurting you serves a purpose for him.
  

Abusive men need to have power and control over the lives of their partners and, commonly, children also.
The best way they have found to do this is by saying hurtful things, and by behaving in hurtful, destructive ways.
When you stand back to look at it, this is a continuation of playground behaviour.
It fits perfectly with the awareness that abusive behaviours are simply grown up versions of toddlers' temper tantrums.
These tantrums differ only in two ways: 1) The language and behaviours used are superficially more sophisticated 2) The intention is to cause you as much pain as necessary to bring you back into line.
So, "How could he say such hurtful things to me?" is a bad question, because it only leads to you providing yourself with bad answers, such as:

• He doesn't love me enough to treat me better
• He's acting like a jerk (true, but not necessarily helpful, since it leaves you feeling even more sorry for yourself)
• It must be my fault.
  Other men don't behave like that.
  
• If he can talk to me like that, that means that I must be as awful as he says I am.
  

These answers propel you, at speed, into "Poor Me!" Syndrome.
The correct answer to the question: "How could he say such hurtful things to me" is this: he is feeling insecure and inadequate about something.
An adult - by which I mean somebody who is prepared to take responsibility for their own behaviour - would address that insecurity.
An abusive man silences it...
by visiting it on his partner.
It is a clear case of 'Kick the Cat' syndrome.
He makes himself feel better by visiting his bad feelings on the person that he sees as being weaker and more defenceless than he is.
No prizes for that behaviour, huh? That's the theory.
But let's deconstruct, a bit.
Let's see how it works in practice.
There are other favourite, time honoured code phrases of abusive men, all of which are about him, not about you.
You've never understood them because you entered into a contract to love, and be loved by this man.
He entered into a contract which, had it worked out in accordance with his most cherished fantasy, would have given him a:

• Barbie doll
• Cheer leader
• Earth mother
• Superwoman
• Porn star
• Slave
• Guardian angel
• Cook, cleaner, and general dogsbody
• Strong woman

And much, much more.
How strange that reality did not pan out like his fantasy! However, the upside for him is that, although he didn't get lucky (there's a surprise!) he did get someone he could abuse and humiliate whenever the need/fancy took him.
(And he had already sussed that from very early on.
) So he didn't lose out.
The bottom line is this: his ill treatment of you is not a reflection on you; it's all about him.
It's what he needs to feel halfway good about himself.
(Halfway good is about he best he can ever hope for.
) Knowing all this, you don't have to be hurt when he falls back into The Abusers' Code.
He's just reminding you that the two of you don't speak the same language.
You speak "Love", he speaks "Hurt".
Yes, he can 'get by' in "Love" when he needs to.
But it is not his native language, not a language he enjoys speaking, and in which he can express himself fully.
Leave him to his language; and put yourself out of his misery.