As a grandmother, I've learned five statements all kids need to hear.
I believe they will prove priceless in building your children's self-esteem.
They may be the best gifts you'll ever give them.
Dad, I expect you had hard times growing up.
Maybe your own father was nice to you, maybe he wasn't.
Maybe you knew him well, maybe you didn't.
Your kids will have hard times, too--they'll have disappointments, fear, hurt, shame, uncertainty, anger.
We all do.
But as a loving father, you may help them more than you can possibly know by sincerely saying these five things.
You are their father.
They want to listen to you, even when they don't.
Never, ever underestimate the importance of a being a father to your kids.
Children need to hear these statements from you face-to-face, if possible, or on the phone, in a letter, or in some other way.
You might not use exactly these phrases, and you wouldn't use them all at once, but please make sure each child gets the messages behind these powerful words.
They help give kids emotional strength.
1.
"I'm proud...
" you're my son or daughter.
You can say this out of the blue; it does not need to be connected to any achievement, although it could be.
Your children will also get this message when you say, "I notice...
how your drawings are changing...
how you seem happier...
or, how you're doing better at school.
" 2.
"That's okay...
How can you learn from that?" Use this when there's been a mistake or problem.
It teaches kids it's normal, necessary, and perhaps even healthy to make mistakes.
We all do.
The important thing about a mistake is what you can learn from it.
If you can learn from it, the guilt and hurt often go away.
3.
"I'm sorry...
" for ____.
Fill in the blank.
Maybe it would be...
"for yelling at you the other night...
for missing your ball game...
for not keeping my promise.
" When adults apologize, kids learn how to clean things up between people, and that's something they need to know.
And, of course, the best apology is changed behavior.
4.
"Tell me more...
" or "Yes, and anything else?" These words let a kid know you're listening, you're interested, and you'll give them your attention and time.
These words encourage them to develop and express ideas.
Believe it or not, they can help kids gain skills that are useful in school.
And, of course, be sure you listen when your child talks.
5.
"I love you forever.
" Even if you're mad as heck or live far apart from your kids, they need to know you're behind them, and that you love them for no reason except that you're connected as father and child forever.
Your love is their birthright.
And one more thing: Dad, if for any reason you've never heard these things from your father, say them to yourself.
That works, too.
With love, Grandma.
by Esther Jantzen, Ed.
D.