Trust In A Relationship. After The Affair Can Trust In A Relationship Be Rebuilt?
If you've been cheated on or are the cheater and are wondering how to save your marriage after the affair, the sad news is there are no quick and easy answers. Betrayal, in one of the most intimate of relationships such as marriage is not an easy thing to overcome, the shock is too damaging and the hurt is too deep. That is not to say that it can never be done. Here are a few guidelines for you depending on what part you are playing in this drama.
The Cheater. It has been said many times that a cheater doesn't cheat if they are happy at home, however I don't believe that is completely true. Some people are just run by their drives and needs and they don't have a clue how to say no to an intense desire. For these people it would be like asking them not to drink that glass of water while they are in the desert! That's not to excuse the behavior, but clearly a person who cheats, lies, covers it up, and does it again, knows what their doing is wrong, and will upset their partner, but they do it anyway. A person with no impulse control and no desire to have impulse control is operating on an infantile, selfish level. It is selfish in the extreme to involve an unwilling participant (your spouse) in this deception. Do what you want with your life, but when you drag another person into it without care, you are showing that you are "empathy challenged" To the degree you can begin to develop empathy and respect for your partner will determine if trust in your relationship can ever be rebuilt after the affair.
The Cheated On. Be careful here betrayed one. It's so easy and even tempting to only look at the dastardly deeds of the other person after the affair, but as in all difficult life challenges you must also look at yourself. Not that you could or couldn't have been a "better" spouse, but rather why did you choose someone with that degree of immaturity and selfishness? You didn't see it? Well why didn't you see signs? Or did you ignore the little whisper to your heart because you so wanted the fantasy? The nagging truth is people show us almost instantly who they are, and most of the time when we are infatuated we just refuse to see. We deny what is right in front of us. We look the other way when little things are said or done. So if you are trying to learn how to save your marriage after the affair and rebuild trust in a relationship gone bad, you're going to have to refuse to be the victim and look at the past relationship between you with new eyes. Denial is a strong force within us, but if you're aware of it, you can be set free of it's insidious grip.
Of course trust in a relationship can be rebuilt, but marriage after an affair is a fragile union. Infidelity in marriage is a bitter pill to swallow, but if you're both willing to grow and change, then and only then can love conquer all.
The Cheater. It has been said many times that a cheater doesn't cheat if they are happy at home, however I don't believe that is completely true. Some people are just run by their drives and needs and they don't have a clue how to say no to an intense desire. For these people it would be like asking them not to drink that glass of water while they are in the desert! That's not to excuse the behavior, but clearly a person who cheats, lies, covers it up, and does it again, knows what their doing is wrong, and will upset their partner, but they do it anyway. A person with no impulse control and no desire to have impulse control is operating on an infantile, selfish level. It is selfish in the extreme to involve an unwilling participant (your spouse) in this deception. Do what you want with your life, but when you drag another person into it without care, you are showing that you are "empathy challenged" To the degree you can begin to develop empathy and respect for your partner will determine if trust in your relationship can ever be rebuilt after the affair.
The Cheated On. Be careful here betrayed one. It's so easy and even tempting to only look at the dastardly deeds of the other person after the affair, but as in all difficult life challenges you must also look at yourself. Not that you could or couldn't have been a "better" spouse, but rather why did you choose someone with that degree of immaturity and selfishness? You didn't see it? Well why didn't you see signs? Or did you ignore the little whisper to your heart because you so wanted the fantasy? The nagging truth is people show us almost instantly who they are, and most of the time when we are infatuated we just refuse to see. We deny what is right in front of us. We look the other way when little things are said or done. So if you are trying to learn how to save your marriage after the affair and rebuild trust in a relationship gone bad, you're going to have to refuse to be the victim and look at the past relationship between you with new eyes. Denial is a strong force within us, but if you're aware of it, you can be set free of it's insidious grip.
Of course trust in a relationship can be rebuilt, but marriage after an affair is a fragile union. Infidelity in marriage is a bitter pill to swallow, but if you're both willing to grow and change, then and only then can love conquer all.
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