Probably one of the most common questions or comments that I get on my blog is something like: "I want to know if our marriage can survive his (or her) infidelity. Because if we're going to fall apart or end up divorced anyway then I am probably just going to cut my losses now. Going through this is too painful and I'm not going to make it worse and keep rehashing it if our marriage is just going to end no matter what we do. Sometimes I think that infidelity is just too big a mistake to ever over come. Is it?"

I completely understand this point of view because I believed every word of it. I too have gone through this exact situation and although it did sometimes seem as if our marriage was doomed, we both hung in there and are very solid (and happy) today. It took a lot of time and work to get here though. But, from my research, I really do not think that our experience is all that uncommon. Countless marriages survive infidelity and go on to be happy, whole, and fulling. I will discuss this more in the following article.

For A Marriage To Survive An Affair, Both Spouses Must Be Equally Committed To Making It Work: Although I've said and truly believe that most marriages are able to overcome infidelity, I must say that I do believe that it's a requirement that both parties are equally committed and on board with this process. And, if the cheating party has not completely banished the other person from his or her life, still harbors some feelings for the other person, or isn't sure that whatever issues that lead him to the affair in the first place can and will be fixed, then I think you're going to have a more difficult time.

Fully repairing the marriage is going to be very difficult if one of the spouses still only has some of their heart (but not all) in it. If either of you are harboring any doubts that the marriage and your spouse is what you want, it may be better to give yourself time to process this or to heal a bit before you try to begin the process of saving the marriage. These doubts are only going to set you up to fail or struggle and then you may perceive (quite incorrectly) that this is a lost cause.

With that said, I think it's quite normal and natural to wonder if your efforts are really going to work. You may think "I want to save my marriage. I don't want to give up what I've worked so hard for and I'm going to give it my all. But, at the end of the day, I just don't know if it will be enough." Everyone feels this way. It's perfectly natural and OK. But, there is a big difference between not knowing if a reconciliation will work and not knowing if you really want a reconciliation.

Honestly And Openness Is Extremely Important: You can't go into this process guarded or not willing to say what is really on your mind and in your heart. No, you shouldn't go out of your way to hurt your spouse, but both parties are going to need to understand where exactly the vulnerabilities in the marriage are so that they can be completely fixed.

And, the person who cheated must demonstrate that they are being completely honest and have nothing to hide and are in no way being deceptive. You must become an open book and you must offer reassurance and accountability quite regularly because one of your biggest issues is going to be restoring the trust. It's going to be very hard for your marriage to survive if you can't restore the trust. A spouse who is filled with doubt is not going to be receptive to opening their heart again.

Speaking of opening their heart, it's normal to be on guard and reluctant if you are the spouse who has been cheated on. No one is going to judge you if it takes a while for you to be receptive or open again in your marriage. However, once you've taken the time that you need to heal (and you should take every minute of the time that is necessary. Don't rush yourself or allow yourself to be rushed), then you must at some point let this go. I don't mean that you have to forget that this ever happened. It's not realistic to think that you can or should do that.

But, forgiveness is much different from forgetting. And, if you are holding onto the pain, doubt, and anger and are never willing to let it go, then you are always keeping yourself stuck. You're giving yourself a life sentence that you just don't deserve. You deserve to live your best life and to be happy. You're never going to get this is you cling to or hold onto the past. You and your spouse must create a fresh, new, and better marriage. Do not allow the old one to cloud the new one.

There Is No Shame In Needing (And Asking For) Help: Some of us just can't right all of these wrongs on our own. After a while, it may become clear that you're not making any real gains or that you're stuck. That doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you, that you and your spouse don't love each other "enough", or that you aren't trying your best. It may just mean that you need some help and there's nothing wrong with that.

Having said this though, it's so important that you and your spouse are both comfortable with whoever ends up helping you. Our first counselor tended to side with my husband and because I came to resent her, she actually set us back probably by several months. Unfortunately, because of my bad experience with her, I closed myself off for several months after this. Eventually though, I found a few resources that helped me move forward. If I had never sought help, I might still be deeply unhappy.

And often, we need help not only with our marriages as a couple but also on an individual basis. I would not trade the self work that I did on myself for anything in the world. I am much more confident, secure, and fulfilled than I ever was early in my marriage. This is one serious positive that came out of the affair, but there are also others. The point is, you don't have to settle for half a marriage or for half of your best self. You can actually take the infidelity (which is certainly a negative thing) and use this a spring board so that some good and improvements come out of it, which will make you happier in the end (and this is a very positive thing.)

I know that this process can be difficult, but hang in there. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/