Are you prepared to answer the tough questions about child visitation?

Since most non-custodial parents are Dads, I’m writing this to address one of the issues newly divorced Dads have with visiting their children on a schedule. Not seeing Dad daily is not only heartbreaking for Dad but his child also.

A child will be full of questions about the changes that come when Dad moves out and is no longer part of his/her daily life.


Hopefully this article will be of assistance to Dads and children who are trying to come to terms with the pain associated with the changes that divorce bring.

Even if Dad is consistent with visitation and continues to see his child as often as possible, the child will have questions that may be hard to answer. Below are two questions your child may ask and a few things to take into consideration when responding.

• When Am I Going To See You Again?
  A child’s security is based on the relationship he/she has with both parents. It is only natural that a child will begin to feel insecure if the status of the relationship with either parent changes. That is why, regardless of how painful the situation is for Dad the child’s feelings and needs be put first.
  
  I spoke with one father who was not consistently seeing his children. He told me dropping them off after visitation was too painful for him. To avoid his own pain he was avoiding his children which only worsened their pain. That is unacceptable behavior!
  
  So, when your child asks “when am I going to see you again,” share your pain with your child. Knowing that the situation also hurts you will go a long way in helping your child not only understand their own feelings but also reassuring them and let them know that it is normal to feel sad.
  
  Tell your child that you miss them when you aren’t able to see them, that it makes you sad also. Then add that it makes you happy when you think about seeing them again. That you spend your time away from them thinking about all the fun things you can do next time you are together.
  
  Sharing your pain with your child is good BUT do it in an upbeat way. A way that teaches them that sadness is OK but focusing on the positive aspect of your next visitation is healthier. There is a fine line you will walk between bonding with your child over shared pain and causing them to feel responsible for your pain. A child should not be left to feel sorry for and worry about Dad being alone.
  

• Why Do You Have To Leave?
  I remember my younger son’s excitement at the prospect of a weekend with his Dad. I also remember the hours of crying when the weekend was over and his Dad had dropped him off. It was as if he had to adjust to the pain of his parent’s divorce all over again. It took him over a year to come to terms with the fact that those special weekends with his Dad would come to an end.
  
  A child lives with constant change once their parents’ divorce. Imagine how disconcerting it would be to your life if you were constantly transitioning from one home to another? It is easier for us to do what is in our child’s best interest if we take a look at the situation from the child’s perspective.
  
  When dropping off your child after a weekend visitation it is best to make a quick retreat. When saying good-bye reassure your child that you love him/her, that you will talk to and see them soon and then leave. Hesitating and dragging out the situation in an attempt to alleviate your and your child’s discomfort only makes the situation worse.
  
  I suggest you discuss, beforehand with Mom the idea of her having a plan in place that will distract the child, get their mind quickly off the pain of once again having to say bye to Dad. This is one way parents can effectively co-parent and come up with a plan that makes the good-bye transition easier on everyone involved.
  

The most important thing you can do for your children during and after the divorce is visit on a regular schedule. Inconsistent visitation only prolongs the pain and the adjustment period when a child’s parents divorce.

Children grieve the loss of their intact family. If Dad isn’t around on a regular basis the child will grieve a little longer, will live with uncertainty and disappointment. Be the same Dad after your divorce that you were before, one your child can count on to put their needs first.