Twenty years ago I went through a divorce while having a record year in business.
Was I enjoying my business success? Definitely not! I was miserable and stressed out of my mind.
There were other consequences that I was unaware of at the time:
The relationship stress spills over into every aspect of life and results in a diminished capacity to perform at the level of excellence they deserve.
It often gets worse as people attempt to compensate for a loss of confidence that they feel, but cannot seem to locate the source.
They intellectualize that the relationship stress does not affect their work.
In my experience and observations it's simply not true.
Here's what you need to know: While most couples complain about communication challenges in their marriages, in my experience those issues are a smoke screen.
They are a distraction from a larger issue that exists in the relationship and people waste valuable time working on communication and never getting to the core issues that are causing the partners to disconnect.
Who taught you how to sustain love and passion in your relationship? Most of us including myself, have had lousy role models in our parents.
Did you want the day to day joy that your parents experienced together? Not very likely.
When you understand what men and women need most from each other the uncertainty of how to solve problems can be greatly reduced.
When you know what works and doesn't work in sustaining that deep connection the stress can be eliminated.
1.
Tell Yourself the Truth- Are you committed to this relationship? Are you willing to do anything, or whatever it takes to repair it? Many people are not.
Self honesty is essential because without it nothing will change.
2.
Have a Vision- Are you clear about what you want your relationship to be like? How about in 3 years? Just like your work, having a clear long term vision will keep you out of the little day to day non-sense that crops up.
3.
Correct the Chemistry- Frequently the masculine/feminine dynamic that initially created the sparks of attraction have shifted.
Remember back to how things were at the beginning of the relationship and how you interacted with your partner in a way that captured their heart.
Go back to that type of interaction.
4.
Give Attention and Appreciation- This is easy to do and easy not to do.
In my experience with hundreds of couples over the last eight years, men complain about a lack of appreciation while women primarily feel a lack of attention from their men.
This attention is simply another aspect of appreciation.
While everyone wants and needs to be appreciated, how that happens most effectively is different for the sexes.
5.
Handle Button Pushing and Triggers- No one can push our buttons like our significant others.
If you bring more playfulness, lightness, fun, silliness and creativity into those types of situations, they can be resolved immediately.
We are only limited by our willingness to be creative.
6.
Weathering Emotional Storms- In relationships emotions can run high.
Men and women experience these emotions differently and often misunderstand where their partners are emotionally.
Self care is crucial here.
Nurturing yourself and taking care of yourself are vitally important in keeping emotional stress under control.
Take care of yourself first in order to care for your partner better.
7.
Be Willing to Give First- Who goes first in giving what each other needs? Are you waiting for your partner to go first? Do they owe you, or is it their turn? Someone has to step up and go first to meet their partner's needs.
That someone is you.
I always ask each person to take 100% responsibility for the relationship not 50%.
Your relationship will always reflect what you do and fail to do.
Choose wisely.
Was I enjoying my business success? Definitely not! I was miserable and stressed out of my mind.
There were other consequences that I was unaware of at the time:
- -My decision making suffered.
- -My ability to lead effectively had diminished.
- -My creativity was low.
- -My availability to support my peers was fairly non-existent.
The relationship stress spills over into every aspect of life and results in a diminished capacity to perform at the level of excellence they deserve.
It often gets worse as people attempt to compensate for a loss of confidence that they feel, but cannot seem to locate the source.
They intellectualize that the relationship stress does not affect their work.
In my experience and observations it's simply not true.
Here's what you need to know: While most couples complain about communication challenges in their marriages, in my experience those issues are a smoke screen.
They are a distraction from a larger issue that exists in the relationship and people waste valuable time working on communication and never getting to the core issues that are causing the partners to disconnect.
Who taught you how to sustain love and passion in your relationship? Most of us including myself, have had lousy role models in our parents.
Did you want the day to day joy that your parents experienced together? Not very likely.
When you understand what men and women need most from each other the uncertainty of how to solve problems can be greatly reduced.
When you know what works and doesn't work in sustaining that deep connection the stress can be eliminated.
1.
Tell Yourself the Truth- Are you committed to this relationship? Are you willing to do anything, or whatever it takes to repair it? Many people are not.
Self honesty is essential because without it nothing will change.
2.
Have a Vision- Are you clear about what you want your relationship to be like? How about in 3 years? Just like your work, having a clear long term vision will keep you out of the little day to day non-sense that crops up.
3.
Correct the Chemistry- Frequently the masculine/feminine dynamic that initially created the sparks of attraction have shifted.
Remember back to how things were at the beginning of the relationship and how you interacted with your partner in a way that captured their heart.
Go back to that type of interaction.
4.
Give Attention and Appreciation- This is easy to do and easy not to do.
In my experience with hundreds of couples over the last eight years, men complain about a lack of appreciation while women primarily feel a lack of attention from their men.
This attention is simply another aspect of appreciation.
While everyone wants and needs to be appreciated, how that happens most effectively is different for the sexes.
5.
Handle Button Pushing and Triggers- No one can push our buttons like our significant others.
If you bring more playfulness, lightness, fun, silliness and creativity into those types of situations, they can be resolved immediately.
We are only limited by our willingness to be creative.
6.
Weathering Emotional Storms- In relationships emotions can run high.
Men and women experience these emotions differently and often misunderstand where their partners are emotionally.
Self care is crucial here.
Nurturing yourself and taking care of yourself are vitally important in keeping emotional stress under control.
Take care of yourself first in order to care for your partner better.
7.
Be Willing to Give First- Who goes first in giving what each other needs? Are you waiting for your partner to go first? Do they owe you, or is it their turn? Someone has to step up and go first to meet their partner's needs.
That someone is you.
I always ask each person to take 100% responsibility for the relationship not 50%.
Your relationship will always reflect what you do and fail to do.
Choose wisely.
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